There was considerable discussion concerning the proper name for the Gluten-Free Cookie Federation. We almost had a Gluten-Free Pizza Federation, and even a Gluten-Free Donut Federation, but the universal appeal of cookies won out.
So, we now turn to one of the runners up: pizza. And our first entry is perhaps the most "real" gluten-free frozen pizza encountered to-date. What makes Patricia's 10" so real is that it has the doughy, greasy appeal of your better thin wheat crust Italian pizza. This is a big deal. Over the last eight years spent eating gluten-free pizzas, nothing has come close to hitting the mark of a real pizza—any pizza—as Patricia's.
It is crucial to understand the following sentence: You must cook this pizza on a solid sheet. Turn a plate upside down if you have nothing else. If you cook it directly on the oven rack you will have the worst monstrosity, massicured all over your oven. The thing will melt completely through. Completely. This is what happend to me the first time. Fortunately, some pizza drippings remained clinging to the metal rack. When I slurped the dangling tangles (hey, it's pizza!), it was clear Patricia had promise. I bought another pie and this time read and followed the cooking instructions.
MAKER: Patricia's Pizza & More (phone 1.203.606.5053)
TASTE: Doughy. Light on the tomato sauce. Sweat yeast. Greasy thin cheese, in a good way. Cheese covers the entire pizza.
TEXTURE: Chewy, gooey, fun like Hong Kong Phooey.
SIZE: 7", 10", 14". Have only encountered the 10". The Cookie Federation would be super interested in coming across the 14" which would be even more pizza jointy.
SWEETS & FATS: Average sweetness. Fats unknown.
PRICE: For the size, the most expensive out there. I paid $11 for the 10".
NOTES: Never eat the whole pizza with beans or Mexican food or you may be spending lots of time in the bathroom the next day. The pizza crust is made from, as the label says, "nutritious bean flours!"
Kinnikinnick Chocolate Dipped Donuts
Place one frozen donut on a plate, warm in microwave for 30 seconds, remove, moisten a napkin with fresh water, sit in a quiet place, have a sip of coffee, and bite in to the joy and wonder of a Kinnikinnick. You'll appreciate the cool napkin to wipe off your chocolate smile and sticky paws.If you feel a burning sensation on the roof of your mouth, that is the sweet searing chocolate frosting. You will remember this donut over the coming days. Next time you may want to eat the donut upside down. The tongue is less likely to be seared. Even better, you could withhold the eating process until said donut has sufficiently cooled. I've never been able to.
MAKER: Kinnikinnick FoodsTASTE: Reasonably heavy hand crafted type donut. Rich tasting. Filling. Good amount of chocolate (if you really want a chocolate sensation, try their chocolate glazed donut).
TEXTURE: Like a couch.
SIZE: 1" high by 4" in diameter. Often the hole is clogged with frosting! If you look at it from the underside you'll find a chocolate bejeweled belly button.
SWEETS & FATS: Astonishingly (!), it's really not that fattening for its energy value. It is pretty sweet. Hey, it's a donut.
PRICE: About 3x the price of a wheat besotted franchise donut, like from Dunkin Donuts. Worth it.
NOTES: The only donut maker found in the GF Cookie Federation union canteen.
Amy's Baked Ziti Bowls
If something looks, smells, and tastes delicious, it is delicious. These bowls are a super fast way to get some carbs stickin' to your ribs. Pop one of these frozen beauties into the microwave, cook for 5 minutes, and your whole kitchen will be smellin' like you've got yourself an in-house chef.MAKER: Amy's
TASTE: Great tasting. Good tomato tang. Garlicky. Surprisingly, peas in a tomato sauce is beguilingly flavorful. I especially enjoy it when one of the peas lodges itself in the end of a ziti pasta.
TEXTURE: Pasta holds up well. It's firm but not al dente. Fun combination of pasta tubes, saucey sauce, and round peas.
SIZE: Far too small for a meal, even though it's 9.5 ounces. Would three to make a solid meal (and at today's price, $12).
SWEETS & FATS: Reasonably sweet. Fat level is okay, although if you ate three boxes of the stuff that'd be a different story.
PRICE: Pricey.
NOTES: Wonderful odor! Very organic! (But not 100% organic.)
Pamela's Chunky Chocolate Chip Cookies
This cookie holds a special place in the heart as well as the mouth. For those of us who discovered our gluten intolerance back in the 1990's this was the first "safe" cookie we sampled. What a relief it was to know a delicious cookie was out there in stores. Even though today there are gluten-free cookies everywhere, Pamela's remains a favorite.MAKER: Pamela's Products
TASTE: Rich. Not too buttery. Excellent chocolate quotient. Satisfying. This cookie is a staple within the Federation. Yum!
TEXTURE: Highly dependant on atmospheric conditions; i.e., if you leave them out they get hard—not stone-hard, just nearly crunchy. Out of the box they're surprisingly variable in texture, which leads me to believe that their packaging process is a bit random. For example, I've had a lovely Pamela's cookie (mind you, they're all lovely—all cookies are lovely) that has been nearly bendable and pliant and I've had other just-out-of-the-box cookies that are nearly crunchy, like they've been setting out.
SIZE: This is one UFOey cookie. Nice aerodynamics at about 3" diameter, maximum height 5/8" tapering down to 1/4".
SWEETS & FATS: Pretty sweet tasting. 0% honey content. High in calories and saturated fat. For optimum cookie enjoyment don't read its nutrition facts.
PRICE: Not cheap.
NOTES: Cookies, cookies, cookies!
Draft Charter Of The Gluten-Free Cookie Federation
The following is published for GF Cookie Federation review:
As a freewill member of the Gluten-Free Cookie Federation, we pledge to avoid, to the best of each of our abilities, the siren call of that ubiquitous molecule which reeks havoc within our vessels.
- Whereas, a long time ago, this band of gluten-free wannabes found cookies, gluten-free cookies;
- Whereas, this growing mob realized there were more than just cookies, gluten-free cookies;
- Whereas, in this 21st-century embarkation we will stick together as we chatter, chew, and stick like glue to our health.
As a freewill member of the Gluten-Free Cookie Federation, we pledge to avoid, to the best of each of our abilities, the siren call of that ubiquitous molecule which reeks havoc within our vessels.
Official Birth Announcement
The Gluten-Free Cookie Federation
formally, publically, and officially announces
the existence of itself
on this fine day, the 11th of May, in the year 2007 AD
Said Federation is devoted to all things gluten. Or rather, all things free of gluten, which is to say, albeit not exclusively, of the food and drink category, the eating and drinking of which, by you, is not mandatory. This is not to imply that there will not exist talk of gluten-free pop culture, home renovation, and/or Uilleann bagpiping.
Long live the Gluten-Free Cookie Federation!
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